The Addams Family
[Wednesday is hooking up an electric chair]
Wednesday: Pugsley, sit in the chair.
Wednesday: Because we're going to play a game.
Wednesday: [strapping him in] It's called, "Is There a God?"
Scout: Is this made from real lemons?
Girl Scout: I only
like all-natural foods and beverages, organically grown, with no preservatives. Are you sure they're real lemons?
Girl Scout: I'll tell you what. I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies.
Do we have a deal?
Wednesday: Are they made from real Girl Scouts?
Don't torture yourself, Gomez. That's my job.
Wednesday: Please pass the salt.
And what do we say?
Morticia: Wednesday, play with your
[Looking for something in a closet]
Morticia: Uncle Nick-Nack's
winter wardrobe. Uncle Nick-Nack's summer wardrobe. Uncle Nick-Nack.
Addams Family Values
Young Girl: ...and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told
the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and put the diamond in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too.
Wednesday: They had sex.
[meeting Gomez] Well, isn't he a lady killer!
Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday: Is that your overbite?
Gary: One of you will
be the drowning victim and the one will be our lifesaver.
Amanda: I'll be the victim!
All your life.
Morticia: You have enslaved him. You have placed him under some strange sexual
spell. I respect that. But please, may we see him?
Wednesday: I don't want to be in the pageant.
Gary: Don't you want me to realize my vision?
Wednesday: Your work is puerile and
under-dramatized. You lack any sense of structure, character, or the Aristotelian unities.
lady, I am getting just a tad tired of your attitude problem.
Pugsley: We don't hug.
Oh, you're just shy.
Wednesday: We're not shy, we're contagious.
Why are you dressed like somebody died?
Gomez: He has
my father's eyes.
Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.
Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Especially his head.
Delivery Room Doctor: Would you like some anesthesia?
No, but do ask the children.
[the dancer in the cake doesn't pop out]
The poor girl. Lurch, was she in there before you baked?
[Lurch hangs his head]
I'm just like every modern woman trying to have it all. A loving husband, a family. I only wish I had more time to see out
the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.
Debbie Jellinsky: I'll get you - and your little
Heather: [this is the first nanny Wednesday and Pugsley are talking
too] Now children, as your new nanny, I know you're all concerned about the environment. So today, we are going to learn
how to prevent forest fires!
Wednesday: [lights a match] Prevent them?
Montgomery: [this is the second nanny] Now children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer
one simple question: Where is that baby?
Wednesday: Which part?
children, I'm polly the puppet. What should we do today? I know! Let's all clean our rooms!
[holding up devil puppet] Hello Polly, I'll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul.
Wednesday, look at all the other children, their bright little eyes, their friendly eager smiles... Help them.
Wednesday's at that age when a young girl has only one thing on her mind.
Gomez: At his request, I would crawl on my belly through hot coals and broken glass.
Morticia: Why wait?
[Pugsley hits a bird during archery practice]
It's an American Bald Eagle!
Gary: Aren't they extinct?
Wednesday: They are now.
I DEMAND JUSTICE! SOMEONE HAS MARRIED MY BROTHER!
Desk sergeant: [sarcasticly] No.
Gomez: She took him to Hawaii
Desk sergeant: [more cynically]
Get out of here!
Gomez: They have moved into a large, expensive home, where they make love CONSTANTLY!
Desk sergeant: I hate when that happens
Gomez: Arrest her at once, without delay!
Desk sergeant: Who?
Gomez: Debbie. My brother's wife, the temptress of Waikiki!
Desk sergeant: Who are you? What are you? Who moved the rock?
Gomez: Officer, you
have to issue a subpoena. I believe they own...
Morticia: Gomez, NO!
Gomez: A BUICK!