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Red Dwarf

No insult but "smeghead" has been both offensive and hilarious.

Kryten: I suggest we go from blue alert to red alert, sir.
The Cat: Forget the red. Let's go all the way up to brown alert.
Kryten: But there's no such thing as brown alert, sir.
The Cat: You won't be saying that in a minute. And don't say I didn't alert you.

Holly: Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database. Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat, this is not a daffodil.
Rimmer: Well, thankfully Holly's unaffected.

Ace Rimmer: Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.

Rimmer: Need I remind you of Space Corps Directive 34124?
Kryten: 34124? "No crewmember with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero-gravity"?

Rimmer: Step up to red alert.
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
Rimmer: There's always some excuse, isn't there?

Rimmer: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard."

Lister: Oh, smeg. What the smegging smeg's he smegging done? He's smegging killed me.

Lister: They're all just lining up in some kind of firing squad. Whoah, whoah, hang on, someone's being brought out. They're tying him to a stake. It's Winnie the Pooh.
The Cat: What?
Lister: Winnie the Pooh, I swear. He's refusing the blindfold.
The Cat: They're tying Winnie the Pooh to the stake?
[gunfire from outside]
Lister: [looking shell-shocked] That's something no-one should ever have to see.

Rimmer: I'm going in. I'm going in to rescue him.
Holly: Rescue him?
Rimmer: It's my duty - my duty as a complete and utter bastard.

Toaster: Howdy doodly do. How's it going? I'm Talkie, Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion. Talkie's the name, toasting's the game. Anyone like any toast?

The Cat: You know, I wish I was someone else. Then I could kiss me.

Lister: Well, If you've got some secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten, now's the time to mention it.
Kryten: No plan, sir. No sleeves.

Rimmer: I just want to say: over the years, I have come to regard you as... people I met.

Kryten: Frankenstein was the creator - not the monster. It's a common misconception, held by all truly stupid people.

[talking about Cat, who has transformed into Duane Dibley]
Ace Rimmer: He's in a terrible state. He's looking so geeky, I don't think he could even get into a science-fiction convention.

Rimmer: Remember, only the good die young.

Rimmer: I can't let you out.
Lister: Why not?
Rimmer: Because the king of the potato people won't let me. I begged him. I went down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here... keep you here for ten years.

Lister: [to Rimmer] You're nickname was never, "Ace". Maybe, "Ace-hole".

Rimmer: You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.

Lister: Six breasts? Imagine making love to a woman with six breasts!
Rimmer: Imagine making love to a woman!

Rimmer: Was there any damage?
Holly: I don't know. The damage report machine has been damaged.

Rimmer: Constantly fails the exam? I'd hardly call 11 times constantly.

Kryten: Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer.
The Cat: Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back.

Low Rimmer: I'm going to thrash you to within an inch of your life. And then... I'm going to have you.

Rimmer: I loved that little lemming. I built him a little wall he could hurl himself off of.

Lister: Sir, just suppose... suppose if I had a cat, what would you do with Frankenstein?
Captain Hollister: I'd send it down to the medical bay and have it cut up and run tests on it.
Lister: Would you put the cat together again?
Captain Hollister: Lister, the cat would be dead.
Lister: With all due respect sir, what's in it for the cat?

Holly: What's happening, dudes?

Lister: And for this very special occasion, I have baked a cake.
Holly: What's that, then?
Lister: It's shaped like a spanner, Holly, because he was a technician.
Holly: That's very apt, that is. If he'd have been a postman, you would have baked it in the shape of an envelope, I suppose?
Lister: Yeah.
Holly: Gordon Bennet. It's lucky he's not a gynecologist.

Captain Hollister: Just one thing before the disco. Holly tells me that he has sensed a non-human life form aboard.
Lister: Sir, it's Rimmer.

Toaster: I toast, therefore I am.

Lister: I am your god.
The Cat: Okay.
[points at his bowl of Crispies]
The Cat: Turn this into a woman.
Lister: I'm serious.
The Cat: So am I.

Rimmer: Mr. Flibble's very cross!

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Nothing says "I digress" better than that.
- The Immunity Thread

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