Kryten: I suggest we go from blue alert to red alert, sir.
The Cat: Forget the red.
Let's go all the way up to brown alert.
Kryten: But there's no such thing as brown alert, sir.
Cat: You won't be saying that in a minute. And don't say I didn't alert you.
alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database.
Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat, this is not a daffodil.
Rimmer: Well, thankfully Holly's
Ace Rimmer: Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
Need I remind you of Space Corps Directive 34124?
Kryten: 34124? "No crewmember with false teeth should
attempt oral sex in zero-gravity"?
Rimmer: Step up to red alert.
are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
Rimmer: There's always some excuse, isn't there?
Rimmer: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard."
Oh, smeg. What the smegging smeg's he smegging done? He's smegging killed me.
Lister: They're all
just lining up in some kind of firing squad. Whoah, whoah, hang on, someone's being brought out. They're tying him to a stake.
It's Winnie the Pooh.
The Cat: What?
Lister: Winnie the Pooh, I swear. He's refusing
The Cat: They're tying Winnie the Pooh to the stake?
[gunfire from outside]
Lister: [looking shell-shocked] That's something no-one should ever have to see.
I'm going in. I'm going in to rescue him.
Holly: Rescue him?
Rimmer: It's my duty
- my duty as a complete and utter bastard.
Toaster: Howdy doodly do. How's it going? I'm Talkie,
Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion. Talkie's the name, toasting's the game. Anyone like any toast?
Cat: You know, I wish I was someone else. Then I could kiss me.
Lister: Well, If you've got
some secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten, now's the time to mention it.
Kryten: No plan, sir. No sleeves.
Rimmer: I just want to say: over the years, I have come to regard you as... people I met.
Frankenstein was the creator - not the monster. It's a common misconception, held by all truly stupid people.
about Cat, who has transformed into Duane Dibley]
Ace Rimmer: He's in a terrible state. He's looking
so geeky, I don't think he could even get into a science-fiction convention.
Rimmer: Remember, only
the good die young.
Rimmer: I can't let you out.
Lister: Why not?
Because the king of the potato people won't let me. I begged him. I went down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here...
keep you here for ten years.
Lister: [to Rimmer] You're nickname was never, "Ace". Maybe,
Rimmer: You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.
Six breasts? Imagine making love to a woman with six breasts!
Rimmer: Imagine making love to a woman!
Rimmer: Was there any damage?
Holly: I don't know. The damage report machine
has been damaged.
Rimmer: Constantly fails the exam? I'd hardly call 11 times constantly.
Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer.
The Cat: Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back.
Rimmer: I'm going to thrash you to within an inch of your life. And then... I'm going to have you.
I loved that little lemming. I built him a little wall he could hurl himself off of.
just suppose... suppose if I had a cat, what would you do with Frankenstein?
Captain Hollister: I'd send
it down to the medical bay and have it cut up and run tests on it.
Lister: Would you put the cat together
Captain Hollister: Lister, the cat would be dead.
Lister: With all due respect
sir, what's in it for the cat?
Holly: What's happening, dudes?
for this very special occasion, I have baked a cake.
Holly: What's that, then?
It's shaped like a spanner, Holly, because he was a technician.
Holly: That's very apt, that is. If he'd
have been a postman, you would have baked it in the shape of an envelope, I suppose?
Gordon Bennet. It's lucky he's not a gynecologist.
Captain Hollister: Just one thing before the disco.
Holly tells me that he has sensed a non-human life form aboard.
Lister: Sir, it's Rimmer.
I toast, therefore I am.
Lister: I am your god.
The Cat: Okay.
at his bowl of Crispies]
The Cat: Turn this into a woman.
Lister: I'm serious.
The Cat: So am I.
Rimmer: Mr. Flibble's very cross!