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Stargate Quotes

Sci-fi just isn't sci-fi without humour...

Carson Beckett: [a parasite has attached itself to Sheppard's neck, paralyzing him] I'm told you have something of a cling-on.
Maj. John Sheppard: That's funny.
 
Carson Beckett: How come I never make friends like that?
Rodney McKay: You need to get out more.
Carson Beckett: We're in another galaxy. How much more out can you get?
 
Dr. Rodney McKay: [when the Daedalus becomes infected with a computer virus] Oh, crap!
Hermiod: What did you do?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I ran it through a translation program, the virus is Wraith.
Hermiod: Crap, indeed.
 
Dr. Rodney McKay : Some of those Athosian women are pretty hot, and we DID just save them from the Wraith, so we gotta trade on that while we can. You know, before they discover that we're not actually that cool.
 
Sam Carter : Maybourne, you are an idiot every day of the week. Why couldn't you have just taken one day off?

Kavanagh: I happily left the SGC because I had had it up to here with the military running things, and you just busted me like a private.
Elizabeth Weir: Don't be so dramatic. Besides, the Air Force doesn't even have privates.
Kavanagh: Neither do I. You just cut them off. Right in front of my research team.

Jack O'Neill: I ask you, what could possibly be in my eye that could explain all this?

Teal'c: Things will not calm down, Daniel Jackson. They will in fact calm up.

Carson Beckett: He fainted.
Rodney McKay : Oh there's gotta be a better word.
Carson Beckett: Faint is a proper medical term.
Rodney McKay : I passed out from... manly hunger!

Sam: I've just never blown up a star before.
Jack: Well they say the first one is always the hardest.

Rodney McKay : I wish I didn't find you so attractive. I've always had a real weakness for dumb blondes.
Sam Carter : Go suck a lemon.
Rodney McKay : Very sexy. Very, very sexy.

Daniel : Tastes like chicken.
Sam Carter : So what's wrong with it?
Daniel : It's macaroni and cheese.

Daniel: Can you do me a favor? Could you keep an eye on this plant thing for me?
Teal'c: I will keep both of my eyes on it, Daniel Jackson.

Jack O'Neill: Listen. Um, I gotta ask you something. It's not easy for me.
Major Charles Kawalsky: We're friends.
Jack O'Neill: If you don't make it... can I have your stereo?

Sam Carter: You didn't think the Colonel had a telescope on his roof just to look at the neighbors, did you?
Jack O'Neill: Not initially.

Jack O'Neill: Dare I ask about the men inside the compound?
Daniel : Well, they were turned into eunuchs.
Jack O'Neill: Eunuchs? As in "snippity-do-dah"?
 
Jack O'Neill: It's always suicide-mission this, save-the-planet that. No one ever stops by just to say 'hi' anymore.
 
Jack O'Neill: Furling. Sounds cute and fuzzy to me.
 
Jack O'Neill: "Lose it." It means, "Go crazy." "Nuts." "Insane." "Bonzo." "No longer in possession of one's faculties." "Three fries short of a Happy Meal." "Wacko."
 
Daniel : [SG-1 is at Jack's house, and Daniel is a bit drunk] Go ahead, Teal'c, tell them how deep you are! You'll be lucky if you even understand this!
Teal'c : [Lifts one eyebrow]
My depth is immaterial to this conversation.
Daniel : Oooh, you see!
 
Saroosh/Selmak : Selmak is a wondeful Tok'ra. She is selfless and caring; she is good company; she has a wonderful sense of humor.
Sam Carter : Well, that's good Dad. You can sit around for hours cracking yourself up.
 
Jack O'Neill: Does anybody know anybody who actually voted for those little shrubs?
 
General George S. Hammond: You're suggesting that Osiris is here on Earth manipulating Dr. Jackson's dreams?
Sam Carter: We think it's possible, sir.
Jack O'Neill: Kinky.
 
Daniel: Why are you so quick to jump to the conclusion that I'm crazy? That I'm dangerous and out of control? It's because I'm kinda acting that way, aren't I?
 
Carson Beckett: ... well if I've learned one thing, Mum, it's that we Earthlings are ver-
Lt. Aiden Ford: Doc! You can't say that!
Carson Beckett: What?
Lt. Aiden Ford: Earthlings. It's compromising security!
Carson Beckett: She knows I'm from Earth, son! It's not a bloody secret!
 
Sam Carter : It took us fifteen years and three supercomputers to MacGyver a way to power the gate.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Using power... using power... using power.
 
Daniel: Well, we were kind of hoping you'd "beam them out."
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Beam them out? What am I - Scotty?
 
Colonel Harry Maybourne: If you hit me, I'll have you court-martialed. Colonel.
Jack O'Neill: I'm not gonna hit you, Maybourne. I'm gonna shoot you.
 
Jack O'Neill: Hey, Rigar. You know that "we come in peace" business? Bite me.

Maj. John Sheppard: Wait a second, are these things even close to a transporter?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Uh... yes. Elizabeth's is.
Maj. John Sheppard: And mine?
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's a brisk walk away.
Maj. John Sheppard: And by "brisk" you mean "far"?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [nods] And by "walk" I mean "run".

Jack O'Neill: What kind of archaeologist carries a gun?
Daniel: Uh, I do.
Jack O'Neill: Okay, bad example.

Carson Beckett: In this case we're using a mouse retrovirus to deliver the missing gene to your cells.
Rodney McKay: [Looking worried] A mouse retrovirus?
Carson Beckett: It's been deactivated.
Rodney McKay: Well, are there any side effects?
Carson Beckett: Dry mouth, headache, the irresistible urge to run in a small wheel...

Daniel Jackson : Yes, you go down the dark hallway alone and I'll wait here in the dark room alone.

Daniel : Oh, swell, it's kinda like Goa'uld Mardi Gras around here.

Jack O'Neill : So what's your impression of Alar?
Teal'c : That he is concealing something.
Jack O'Neill : Like what?
Teal'c : I am unsure - he is concealing it.

Maj. John Sheppard: [the team is looking for signs of the Wraith] Rodney?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I've got something here.
Lt. Aiden Ford: Really?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I dunno. I got a little... [trails off while walking away]
Lt. Aiden Ford: You've got a little what? Hey, McKay, you've got a little what?!
[Sheppard looks at him]
Lt. Aiden Ford: What?
[Sheppard gives him a dirty look and follows McKay]
Lt. Aiden Ford: Oh, it’s okay when you guys make fun of me.

Ba'al: You dare mock me?
Jack: Come on Ba'al, you should know. Of course I dare mock you.

Bert: What about the Furlings? Are we ever gonna hear about them?
Gordy: Furlings? That sounds cute. Like Ewoks.

Vala Malduran: I had to tell you in person. I'm pregnant... Pretty sure it's yours, anyway. There's at least a one in-hmmm-ten chance.

Jack O'Neill: He also wanted me to tell you that the whole, "invasion of the Tau'ri" idea has been cancelled due to... rain. Master Teal'c, might I suggest that we spare them this time?
Teal'c: Very well... underling.

Teal'c: I have nowhere to go.
Jack O'Neill: For this, you can stay at my place. Let's go.
 
Daniel: She's Hathor, the goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music.
Jack O'Neill: Sex, drugs, and rock & roll?
 
Sam Carter: I'm an Air Force officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle.
 
Teal'c: Undomesticated equines could not remove me.
 
Jack O'Neill: That's O'Neill with two L's, the other one has no sense of humor.
 
Hu'rak: No Matter what you have endured, you've never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of.
Jack O'Neill: You ended that sentence with a preposition, Bastard.
 
Sam Carter: The asteroid has an irregular shape, but we've calculated its length from end to end to be approximately 137 kilometers.
Jack O'Neill: I've seen this movie. It hits Paris.
 
Jack O'Neill: [testing Daniel to see if he's an imposter] All right. Describe for me the dress your sister wore last week when I took her out.
Daniel: I don't have a sister, Jack, and if I did I wouldn't let you near her.
 
Jack O'Neill: If it weren't for SG-1, you'd be sitting here with a snake in your head, instead of with your head up your a
[gets cut off]
General Bauer: Enough, Colonel!
 
Elizabeth Weir: You destroyed three-quarters of a solar system!
Rodney McKay: Five-sixths, but it's not an exact science.

Rodney McKay: 95% of deadly is still deadly!
 
Rodney McKay: I prefer lethal injection, although I do have a fondness for the electric chair. Call me romantic.

Eldon: The technology on this ship is far more advanced than the Olesians'.
Rodney McKay: How ironic, then, to have been shot down by the cast of Braveheart.

John Sheppard: R2, I need you to turn the auto pilot off.

Elizabeth Weir: How are you?
John Sheppard: Oh, I'm mutating into a bug. How are you?

Rodney McKay: That's the Wraith?
John Sheppard: Yeah.
Rodney McKay: Wow... She's hot! I mean seriously hot!
John Sheppard: Rodney, you're drooling over a Wraith!
Rodney McKay: I know, I... disgust myself sometimes.

Carson Beckett: You have a date, Rodney? With a woman?
Rodney McKay: It is simply two adults sharing some friendly... Yes, with a woman!

John Sheppard: This is what I do when I have problems with my laptop, I turn it off and then I... turn it on again.
Elizabeth Weir: I think this is a little bit more complicated than that. 
John Sheppard: I'm just saying that if we're taking a page from the John Sheppard book of computer repair, we're really desperate. 

Rodney McKay: I'm not crazy. I just have another consciousness in my brain.
John Sheppard: So he just looks crazy. 
Rodney McKay: I'm sure I do, but only because Dr. Fumbles McStupid over here was in way over his head!

Neera: [surprised] You do not fear them?
John Sheppard: The Wraith? Naah. Now clowns - that's another story. Scare the crap out of me.

Rodney McKay: And that's what happens when you back a brilliant scientist into a corner!

Shamda: [pointing to Teal'c] He is Jaffa.
Jack O'Neill: No, but he plays one on T.V.

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Nothing says "I digress" better than that.
- The Immunity Thread

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